I am writing this on behalf of yesterday when I saw...
Twilight Saga, Eclipse: Necrophilia or bestiality. You Decide!
Yeah, that's right. I watched THAT film. Also I am not going to hold back so what follows may contain spoilers... just so you know.
Now, naturally I have watched the two preceeding films with much revelling in the many many laughable moments. I was, however a little upset by the lack of unfortunate moments in this film as I can actually say that it was enjoyable and even.... (gasp) well done.
The stardard moments expected to be in the film were- the vampires and wolves chasing the plot point through the forest (let's call her Victoria... they did), a new Volvo for the stoney faced vampire to drive- this time big and black. Needless to say the Volvo acted better than its owner. Burn! Finally there was more wobbly chin acting from the female lead Mary Sue, Bella-chops.
One major plus point of this film was that the rivarly between vampire Edward and wolf boy Jacob over Mary Sue Bella-chops finally came to a head giving much opportunity for clever quips between the two.
Picture this, Jacob Black, semi-naked leant against a car... see it? Edward approaches"Doesn't he own a shirt?" he says. The skill is in the way this is what everyone else is thinking... so what if he is a wolf who is always ripping his shirt- he should still wear one for driving. Who does he think he is?
Another good line was from Jacob- half-naked Black himself.
Picture this- Mary Sue Bella-chops dying of cold while her icy vampire boyfriend watches. Of course they have to call in the big boys... well, the half-naked Jacob Black who offers to help, reminidng Edwards with a grin, "I'm hotter than you" ... I'm sure we all agree with him as well. Lets choose between pale, dead, cold vampires and buff, living, warm wolfboys... bestiality all the way.
You know how if you break words up into parts you can see the meaning? Like Misunderstood. Mis- means wrongly and understood means well.. understood. Well, clearly bestiality really is best.
Of course Mary Sue Bella-chops was not convinced and broke her hand punching Jacob half-naked Black after he kissed her. This led to a standoff between Edward and Jacob... vampire vs Wolfboy... broken up my none-other than Mary-Sue Bella-chops police chief father. That's right, Charlie Swan is a bad ass! Unknowingly, though- poor buggar has no idea that vampires and wolf boys even exist. In fact his main concern was that Mary-Sue Bella-Chops had lost the big V... she wobbled her chin and told him she was still a virgin- he was releived but little did he know that his daughter would, that very night, no less, try and get it on with the dead. I know... fortunately Edwards told her they had to wait until they were married.
'Til death do us part' ... well that marriage is over as soon as it's begun...
There was one major WTF moment. When the vampires lost limbs they broke like ice/stone and their stumps looked like icicles. What is that about?
Anyway, after the film me and my friend had many unanswered questions like-
What if a vampire bites a wolfman- can the wolf man then transform into a vamp wolf?
Also, if your boyfriend is a wolfman can you have puppies instead of babies? You know... I want a dog- come here Jacob half-naked Black, I can't be arsed to go to the dog's trust. I mean imagine finding out you were related to a dog- someone could go on one of those 'Who Do You Think You Are' type programmes only to find out their great-uncle was a puppy. What in hell?
Obviously there is also the problem that everyone over looks... Edward Cullen is a peadophile. He is over 100 she is 17... and no one has a problem with this? This film covers many issues.
Anyway, things got a bit weird after that so I won't continue.
It was a good film in any case. Honest.
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