Stranglehold

I am writing today's post from behind a metaphorical cushion.

I was thinking last night and I realised how strange it was that I write a daily blog. It is not necessarily because I have nothing to say- there is always something that can be said. It is more the embarassment I am face when confronted with the idea that someone might actually read my thoughts.

I have always been a rather shy person who found social situations generally awkward, however, as I have grown up I have learnt how to manage this shyness and just get on with talkiing to new people and indeed, actually enjoying it. However, being shy still has me in its strangehold when I come online.

I frequently hear people becomming bolder when online, feeling a sense of comfidence about the fact that they can be unknown and can communicate from the relative safety of the other side of their computer screen. However, when I come online I am hesitant to talk to anyone. I am constantly scared of saying the wrong thing, of poking my nose in where it isn't wanted. I feel just the same as I did when I was a small new child who didn't know anyone. If I do say something I get in a panic and feel a rush of adrenaline as if a shark is coming up behind me.

When I considered this further I realised soomething. I have around 190 facebook friends and 4 followers on Twitter. Not once in the past year have I done a status update on Facebook but I update on Twitter daily. Why? Because there are only 4 people whom I can offend with my presence on Twitter compared to the 190 on facebook.

In real life I can be a happy social person who will talk to anyone but get me online and I want to become J.D Salinger. it's madness. I can't explain why I find it so difficult. I suppose it is harder to smile and look friendly at somoene online.

So this is going to be another challenge for me- to gradually overcome the shyness in the same way I did in real life. It might take it's time and I will have to do it just a step at a time but maybe one day I will get there.

If only I could deploy my real-world technique when faced with a room of people I don't know- say a random comment to the room in general- if someone replies they must be freindly if no one does I was cleraly just talking to myself anyway.

I'm now goinng to post this and hope not too many people read it...