Jump Then Fall

I am writing this while watching Heroes. Yes, I am a woman, I am qualified to multi-task.

Today I have decided to write a comment about a play I saw recently. It was easily the worst play I had ever seen and for once it wasn't the actor's fault. It was the writing. As a playwright just waiting to be discovered myself I was interested to see some other amateur playwriting... amateur being the key word. The actors did the best they could and were probably quite talented but they couldn't disguise the train wreck script.

First of all, it was written in a manner in which no one talks. Ever. This didn't help and the 'jokes' weren't funny- that didn't help either or the unrelated musical numbers that the cast seemed unable to sing.

Next there is the storyline which went pretty much as follows.

The is a solider and a dancer. He gets a bullet in the bum in Aghanistan and she is dropped on her head in a dance rehearsal. As a result both parties end up in the same hospital... in England. Yes, that's right the soldier wasn't treated in the field hospital but back home.

What follows is a series of flashbacks from when the soldier and the dancer are children and knew each other along with their other friend who we will call DancerBitch. Most of the flashback is completly pointless and does nothing to aid the plot.

When we return to the present the dancer and soldier have magically fallen in love (off stage) and now plan to be married. Both are unable to walk and are in wheelchairs... yes, head injuries do equal unable to walk.

This brings us to act 2 which opens with another flashback- 'do you remember the time we were in that cafe and you put ice cream all over those two girls...' and that takes up a whole scene. Yeah, really worthwhile.

When we do return to the plot we see DancerBitch, now jealous because she has been in love with Solider since they were children, drug the dancer so she falls out of bed- cue awkward musical number teamed with random dancing.

Solider finds her and declares 'it must be DancerBitch' because who else would do such a thing?

DancerBitch then rants about the time her and Soldier went off to the forest for some hanky panky and afterwards he forced her to have an abortion. As a result she feels the solider 'owes her one'.

Meanwhile DancerBitch's mum is having an affair with Dancer's dad and comes in with lipstick smeared all over her cheek (another fantastic joke.) We now learn that the stress of this affair caused Dancer to lose weight (oh, yeah... she used to be 'fat') and as a result became a better dancer than dancerbitch.

Back to the hospital- Dancer is learning to walk again on those bar thingys but they fall over. More cries of 'It must have been DancerBitch' because it is obvious that she must have scurried into the hospital with her screwdriver and tampered with the bars. My favourite moment in the script is when someone says 'how did she know Dancer was going to use those bars first and not soldier?' How indeed, yes, how indeed.... this is never explained.

There is then a comfrontation between Dancer and DancerBitch. Dancer says that DancerBitch must be lying because 'solider can't have children, and he never could'. Personally I like it when such plotpoints are woven into the script rather than randomly thrown at the last minute. At least give us a hint, eh?

The show ends in a pre-wedding meal at the curry house. The whole cast sing Mariah Carey's 'Hero' and Soldier and Dancer miraculously get to their feet. The end.

Right... now, I won't deny that they did a good thing by putting this show on- it was to raise money for Help the Heroes which, obviously, is a very good cause. I just wish they had spent a bit more time working on the script... and the direction. Since when has strobe lighting been a legimate way to change scenes?

As I said on twitter while watching this wreckage I actually wanted to kill myself so I didn't have to go back in for Act 2. I didn't though, out of loyalty to a friend who was in the show.

And now I am still suffering the after shocks. I just can't beleive what I saw. It was like watching 'How Not to Write a Script'. I suppose, if nothing else it has filled me with a little confidence because I know that I have never, ever, written a script that bad. It is good to jump into these things but whatever you don't please, please, please don't fall this bad again... at least not while I'm watching.